Death Eaters Are Us
by Flashyfirebird
Summary: A Death Eater parody. Features a rather OOC Voldemort, an exasperated Snape, and a perpetually annoyed Bellatrix. Chapter 8: Draco sees something he rather wishes he hadn't...
1. In which the Death Eaters discover the

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All the characters are very OOC versions of those from J.K. Rowling's fabulous books.

Also, the story includes allusions to She's a Star's Lamentations of a Starry-Eyed Twit. If you haven't read it, you should; it's hilarious.

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** In which the Death Eaters discover the downsides of online chatting**

"What, precisely, is the purpose of this?" asked Snape, tapping his fingers on the table and looking extremely annoyed. It was Wednesday night, and Voldemort had just called a meeting. Again. And the Dark Lord was late. Again.

"No idea. Wonder where he is though..." Rookwood muttered, glancing at his watch.

"Yeah, and where's Auntie Bella?" asked Draco, looking confused. "She's not usually late..."

"What are those?" asked Peter, indicating the 20-or-so oddly shaped lumps underneath a sheet atop the table.

"This had better be good," said Nott Jr. sulkily. "I'm missing Lost, and there's a new episode on tonight."

Voldemort, apparently, seemed to decide that this was the right time to make a dramatic entrance. "Death Eaters! Minions!" he cried, entering the room with a flourish of his cape. "I have a new plan!" He whisked a sheet off of the 20-or-so brand new computers in assorted colors which were conveniently lying on the table next to him. "We are going to start... our own chat room!"

For once, the Death Eaters didn't ignore Voldemort, as they typically did when he came up with one of his 'brilliant' plans. Instead, they clustered around the new computers, obviously impressed.

"Can these play the Sims?"

"Do they have I-Tunes?"

"Do we get to keep them?"

"Is virtual pinball installed?"

"Silence!" Voldemort barked. Everyone shut up. "Yes, you get to keep them." The Death Eaters raised their eyebrows and exchanged surprised glances at this unaccustomed generosity. "In fact," Voldemort continued, sounding quite pleased with himself, "Each of you will, in fact, be taking one home with you after the meeting tonight. Bella and I have worked all afternoon to set up a secure online chat room that will enable us to keep in contact. Those morons at the Ministry may be monitoring the Floo network, but they will never be prepared to deal with _this!_" He gestured dramatically toward the new computers.

"Now, seeing as how some of you may be technologically challenged..." Wormtail cringed as Voldemort's glare fell on him. He had mistaken the computer cord to Voldemort's laptop for an extension cord the other day and unplugged it while the Dark Lord was winning at an online pinball tournament with Rodolphus. Needless to say, Voldemort hadn't been too pleased. "I have decided," Voldemort continued, after shooting him a particularly nasty glare, "that we shall all have a test run of the chat room here, to make sure that all of you can handle this simple task properly. Each of you is to find a computer, create a user name for yourself and sign in. Now we will see who is the evilest wizard of them all!" he added in a hiss. "Take that, Sauron!"

After enduring a bit of shoving, arguing, and complaining over who got what color (Peter was, unfortunately, left with the hot pink computer, which caused him to be even sulkier than usual), Snape succeeded in creating a user name and logging in. He was met with the words:

_  
You have entered private chat room **DeathEatersAreUs**.  
_

"Original," he muttered sarcastically.

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Now, witness the full brilliance of Lord Voldemort!

**WickedWitchOfTheWorld:** ...

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **And Bella.

**WickedWitchOfTheWorld:** Thank you.

**RatsAreUnderappreciated:** I don't get it. What are we doing here?

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **This is a private room where I can discuss with you all my plans to rule the Universe! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

**RodolphusTheRidiculous:** We get it already!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Quiet! As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, we will discuss our private plans here. No one will ever discover them, because no one else can possibly discover this chat.

_**  
WeasleyIsOurKing**, **KnowItAllHG**, and **TheChosenOne** have entered the room._

**  
HalfBloodPrince:** You were saying...?

"Bella!" Voldemort shouted.

"I thought it was secure!" she yelled back. "I will have it fixed in moments, Master, never fear!"

**KnowItAllHG: **Honestly, Ron, if you're going to make me a screen name...

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **Hey, at least I got you in here, doesn't that count for something? Even if the user names I made for you are a little... interesting...

**TheChosenOne: **The Chosen One? Could you be a little _more_ obvious?

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Ah, Harry Potter. What, exactly, may I ask, are you doing in _our_ chatroom?

**TheChosenOne: **See?

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **...

**KnowItAllHG: **Sigh Harry thought that it would be... amusing... to break into your chat room.

**TheChosenOne: **Under FALSE NAMES so as not to ADVERTISE our presence.

**MalfoyTheDragon**: Well, well, well... if it isn't the scarhead, the weasel, and the mudblood...

**HalfBloodPrince:** Welcome to the conversation, Draco.

**MalfoyTheDragon: **Sorry, I was distracted. My Sims aren't cooperating! Grr.

**KnowItAllHG: **Malfoy the dragon. How original.

**MalfoyTheDragon**: At least I'm not a know-it-all Mudblood like some people.

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **Will you shut your bloody trap?

**HalfBloodPrince:** Language, Weasley, language. 20 points from Gryffindor.

**KnowItAllHG: **Um, Professor? You don't teach at Hogwarts anymore, remember?

**HalfBloodPrince:** Damn.

**TheChosenOne: **Yeah, Snape, maybe if you hadn't MURDERED THE HEADMASTER...

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: ** It was on my orders. Don't I get some credit? In fact, he only killed him because Draco screwed up.

**MalfoyTheDragon**: Not my fault. Well, not really. Ok, I guess most of it was my fault.

_**  
HarryIsMyHero** has entered the room._

**  
HarryIsMyHero: **RON!

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **:Snicker:

**HarryIsMyHero: **When I asked you to get me in here, I didn't ask you to give me a ridiculous name!

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **It's true though.

**HarryIsMyHero: **Stupid brother. Hi Harry, Hermione.

**TheChosenOne: **Hey, Ginny!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: ** As happy as I'm sure this discussion is for you, might I remind you that you are intruding on OUR PRIVATE CHAT ROOM?

**KnowItAllHG: **It's obviously not very private if we were able to get in.

**TheChosenOne: **Yeah, Voldie, what's up with that? Losing your touch? Or is it just because you lost to Sauron on the last Most Blatantly Evil Wizard of the Month poll?

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: ** How dare you insult my evilness? THE TITLE OF MOST EVIL WIZARD WAS MINE, DAMN IT! CRUCIO!

**RatsAreUnderappreciated**: Um... Master? I don't think spells work over the internet...

"I knew that!" Voldemort shouted in Wormtail's general direction. "How dare you suggest that I didn't? Who do you think I am, a brainless, headless, everything-except-for-a-disembodied-eye-less idiot like Sauron? _Crucio_!"

Voldemort continued to rant, long after Wormtail's shouts had diminished. "Sauron isn't even a wizard! He's a Maia! They should not have even included him in that poll! It was blatant favoritism, that's what it was! Just because I happen to be in a children's book..." Snape, having heard this diatribe about fifty times already, tuned it out, as did the rest of the Death Eaters. To tell the truth, he was somewhat more disturbed by the latest arrival to the chat room.

_**  
TheStarryEyedTwit** has entered the room._

**  
HalfBloodPrince:** Ah...

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **Get out of my chat room!

**WickedWitchOfTheWorld:** Darn it... why aren't the privacy controls working properly?

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** Because you forgot to set them, I think. Hello, Severus.

**KnowItAllHG: **Professor Sinistra!

**HalfBloodPrince:** Auriga...

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** "Auriga"? Is that all you have to say to me? Hmm?

**HalfBloodPrince:** ...

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** YOU ARE EVIL! YOU KILLED ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, YOU censored !

**HalfBloodPrince:** Ever the dramatic one, aren't we, Auriga?

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** OOOH, YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU censored ! I'VE GOT A WHOLE CABINETFUL OF COFFEEMUGS JUST READY AND WAITING FOR YOU!

**HalfBloodPrince:** That will be quite unnecessary! Don't you think you are overreacting somewhat? After all, the unfortunate incident in the tower wasn't entirely my fault. There was a little thing called an Unbreakable Vow involved, and the fact that Dumbledore ordered me to...

**HalfBloodPrince:** Damn.

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Don't worry, I always knew you were a traitor anyway. You're already down on my To Kill list. See, fourth from the top, "Severus Snape". Under Potter, McGonagall, and Draco.

**MalfoyTheDragon**: Why _me_!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Well, I would've offed Lucius for his bungle at the Department of Mysteries, but Lucius is in Azkaban, so you'll have to do.

**MalfoyTheDragon: **Oh, so the whole Kill-Dumbledore-At-All-Costs thing _was_ supposed to be a suicide mission. I knew it.

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, SNAPE! I'M NOT STUPID, YOU KNOW!

**HalfBloodPrince:** Really. Then why don't you use your... scintillating... :sneer: intellect for once, instead of continuing with these ridiculous hysterics.

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** THEY ARE _NOT_ RIDICULOUS HYSTERICS!

**TheChosenOne: **Would both of you please shut up!

**HalfBloodPrince:** :Sneer: Don't tell me to shut up, Potter. And Auriga, if your excessive devotion to the caps lock is any indication...

**TheStarryEyedTwit:** At least I'm not :sneer:ing at everyone who bothers to talk to me. And for the record, virtual sneers don't look nearly as convincing as they do in real life!

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Oh for the love of...

_**  
Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll** has banned **HalfBloodPrince** and **TheStarryEyedTwit** from the chat room._

**  
TheChosenOne: **Thank God.

**KnowItAllHG: **Really! And teachers too! Totally unprofessional behavior in front of impressionable students.

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **Bloody hell, Hermione, you'd think all teachers were saints or something, the way you go on about it.

**KnowItAllHG: **Hmph! I just think that they should show more professional behavior in front of their students! As if you even know what the word "professional" means! I bet you haven't even started on your Transfiguration essay yet!

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **What Transfiguration essay?

**KnowItAllHG: **Exactly.

_**  
GoddessOfWisdom** has entered the room._

"Bella!" Voldemort shrieked.

**  
WickedWitchOfTheWorld:** Not again.

**KnowItAllHG: **Professor McGonagall?

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **What are you doing here!

**Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: That was my line.

**GoddessOfWisdom:** Well, it's kind of a long story, but you see, Albus had this chat network bookmarked on his computer... and I was curious. By the way, Mr. Weasley, have you started on your Transfiguration essay? School starts in two weeks, you know.

**WeasleyIsOurKing: **Bloody hell.

_**  
WeasleysWizardWheezes** has entered the room._

**  
WeasleyIsOurKing: **Fred? George? What are you doing here?

**Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Stop stealing my line! Bella! What are they doing here?

**WeasleysWizardWheezes**: We just thought we'd pop in, you see.

**WeasleysWizardWheezes**: To give you a bit of comic relief.

**WeasleysWizardWheezes**: Yes.

**Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Well, shut up now! In fact, everyone shut up! This was supposed to be a chat network for Death Eaters, not for stuck up teenagers or distraught Astronomy professors! Yeesh. I need an Advil.

_**  
MinistryOfMagic** has entered the room._

"BELLA!"

"I'm working on it!"

**MinistryOfMagic**: HA! We've finally found you! We're not completely incompetent after all!

_**  
MinistryOfMagic **has changed name to **MinistryOfMagicAreMorons**._

**  
WeasleyIsOurKing: **:Snicker:

**MinistryOfMagicAreMorons**: That's not funny! Who did that?

_**  
MinistryOfMagicAreMorons **has changed name to** IncompetentFoolsRUs**._

**  
IncompetentFoolsRUs**: Who keeps changing our user name?

**WeasleysWizardWheezes**: We were in no way responsible for this. We were also in no way responsible for the exploding fireworks at Hogwarts last year, the ton-tongue toffees distributed to all the Ministry officials as an April Fools Day gift, and the bomb that is about to go off in Dolores Umbrage's office in 30 seconds.

**IncompetentFoolsRUs**: Oh, crap.

_**  
IncompetentFoolsRUs** has left the room._

**  
WeasleyIsOurKing: **That was bloody brilliant!

**WeasleysWizardWheezes**: To order our products, come to number 94 Diagon Alley! Except, if you're a Death Eater, don't.

_**  
WeasleysWizardWheezes** has left the room._

**  
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **There's an idea! We can bomb the Ministry of Magic. Take them by surprise! Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

**TheChosenOne: **Really, Moldywart, I didn't know you were into Muggle movies. No wonder your poll rates are slipping.

"I'll kill the insolent brat!" Voldemort fumed. "Trust him to recognize my not-so-subtle Monty Python allusions!"

**  
WickedWitchOfTheWorld:** How dare you insult my Master!

**TheChosenOne: **Well, well. If it isn't Sirius' murderer.

_**  
MadEyeMoody** has entered the room._

**  
WickedWitchOfTheWorld:** Just you wait, Potter. Soon you'll be with your dear Sirius. I'll get you, my pretty, and your little owl too!

**MadEyeMoody**: CONSTANT VIGILENCE!

_**  
Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll** has banned **MadEyeMoody** from the chat._

**  
Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Bloody Aurors.

_**  
SnorkacksRule, SuperAurorTonks, **and **SkeeterBug** have entered the room._

**  
WickedWitchOfTheWorld: **Oh, good grief...

**SkeeterBug**: Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter... Tell me, what's it like being the second-most evil Dark Lord in the world? Are you upset by the recent poll that ranked you lower than Sauron? How does it make you feel? Hurt? Wounded? Betrayed?

**Moderator EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll: **GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CHAT! IS THE MEANING OF THE WORD "PRIVATE" TOTALLY LOST ON YOU?

**SkeeterBug**: Yes.

_**  
TheEyeOfSauron** has entered the room._

**  
TheEyeOfSauron**: Hello, Voldemort.

**Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Sauron!

**TheEyeOfSauron**: Aye, it is I, the evil... eye! Wow, that's catchy.

**TheChosenOne: **I'm not even going to ask how a disembodied eye can type anything.

**Moderator****EvilestDarkLordOfThemAll**: Never mind that, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAT ROOM?

**TheEyeOfSauron**: Really, Voldie, still upset over last month's Evilest Wizard Monthly poll? You were only... 56 percent behind me.

"Aaaaaagh!" shouted Voldemort. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Everyone winced at the sound of breaking glass caused by the violent demise of what had formerly been Voldemort's computer screen. When the Death Eaters glanced cautiously over to Voldemort's seat, they found that he was breathing heavily, still very red in the face. "Take THAT Sauron!" he declared. (No one was bold – or stupid – enough to remind him that Sauron was not, in fact, inside the computer and Voldemort's attack could not have had any effect on him whatsoever.) "What are you all staring at!" the second-most evil Dark Lord added angrily. The Death Eaters quickly turned back to their computers, not wanting to meet the same untimely end as Voldemort's computer.

"Oh, I give up!" Bellatrix shrieked five minutes later, slamming her fist through her computer screen as ten more assorted Hogwarts students entered the chat room.

"I really don't think this idea is going to work," Peter agreed, shutting his computer down in a more traditional fashion. Snape nodded with relief and did the same.

Voldemort tapped his fingers together in thought. Then, a light bulb flashed in his mind. "Death Eaters! Minions! I have a better plan!" he proclaimed.

"Oh no," muttered Snape.

"We are going to start our own Yahoo Group!"

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Reviews are always appreciated! Please tell me if you think this is worth continuing... 


	2. In which Voldemort decides that Draco's

Disclaimer: If I own anything, it's only in my mind.

**In which Voldemort decides that Draco's old name just won't do**

"Draco!" Voldemort declared, striding into the room with Narcissa and other assorted Death Eaters following close behind. "I have decided that you need a pseudonym!"

Draco, who was currently buying new furniture for his Sims, looked up in confusion. "A what?"

"A false name," Voldemort explained. "Snape is the Half-Blood Prince. Bella has dubbed herself Wicked Witch of the World. Wormtail is... Wormtail. And I, of course, am the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Run-for-your-lives-and-beg-for-mercy-for-I-will-someday-rule-the-world Voldemort! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Um... okay?"

"What he means, Draco," said Narcissa patiently, "is that in order for you to become a great wizard and Death Eater, you must have a good title. It's sort of an initiation thing, I suppose."

"But the Dark Lord says he's going to off me anyway, so what's the point?"

"Well, at least you'll have something impressive to put on your tombstone, dear."

"And think about it," Bellatrix remarked. "Even that blasted Boy-Who-Lived-But-Hopefully-Will-Kick-The-Bucket-Soon has one. Surely you can do better than that."

"Fine," said Draco sulkily. "So what will it be, then?"

The Death Eaters sat in stumped silence for a moment.

"How about The Boy Who Isn't Dead Because I Haven't Gotten Around To Killing Him Yet?" Voldemort suggested after a few minutes' thought.

"That might work." Bellatrix paused. "Except you couldn't put that on his tombstone, because he'll be dead by then. Besides, it'll just make you confuse him with Potter. No, what you need is a short title... like... hmmm... What about... the Pure-Blood... ummm..."

"-Ferret?" Nott Jr. muttered.

"-Dragon! The Pure-Blood Dragon!" said Bella triumphantly.

Draco gave her a disbelieving look. "So Snape is a prince and I'm just a measly dragon?" he asked disgustedly. "Please."

"Alternatively," said Bellatrix pleasantly, reaching for her wand, "you could be the Very Dead Dragon Who Didn't Listen To His Auntie's Suggestion."

"Right. Um, I'll consider it," said Draco hastily, edging away from his aunt. "Any other suggestions?"

"I've got one!" Wormtail squeaked. "He-Who-Should-Never-Be-Tickled-While-Sleeping!"

"What kind of a name is _that?_"

"It's the Hogwarts motto... Never tickle a sleeping dragon..." Everyone else stared at him oddly. "Okay, forget it."

"The Slytherin Seeker Who Has Never Yet Caught The Snitch?" Nott suggested with a smirk.

"Oh, like you're so much better, Mr. I'm-Only-Mentioned-Twice-In-The-Books!"

"What about," said Snape softly, "The Boy Who Is Currently Failing My Defense Class Because He Never Does His Homework?"

"You're not a teacher anymore. Ha!"

"Damn."

"How about... Malfoy the Menace?"

"Or," said Narcissa slyly, amid Draco's disgusted gagging, "you could be The Boy Whose Room Is A Mess Because He Never Cleans Up His Laundry."

"MUM!"

"It's the truth, dear. Ever since Dobby left, it's been hard enough cleaning up after your father... If you did a little more work around the house..."

"Hey, I've thought of the perfect one," said Nott Jr., smirking maliciously. "Bouncing Ferret Wonderboy. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

Draco buried his face in his hands.

* * *

So, what do you think? Should I change my name to She-Who-Will-Do-Anything-For-Reviews? 

A big thanks to **Reesie6 **and **Rivendell's Evenstar**!


	3. In which Voldemort and followers discove

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Please don't sue me!**  
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**In which Voldemort and followers discover what the Order do on their days off**

"YES!" Voldemort shrieked, bursting in to the room with Bellatrix at his heels and causing most of the Death Eaters within (minus Peter who was late, as usual) to grab for their wands, thinking they were under attack. "I have done it!" Voldemort continued triumphantly, overlooking the momentary panic he had created. "Am I not the most brilliant Dark Lord of them all?"

"Yes. Quite. What have you done, exactly?" asked Snape tersely, trying to head the Dark Lord off before he had a chance to start "Mwa ha ha ha ha!"-ing again. It was getting old. Unfortunately, Voldemort had other plans. Snape sighed as Voldemort went off into a fit of maniacal laughter and went back to reading his book until it was over. So predictable.

"Ahem," said the Dark Lord, once he had finished cackling evilly to himself. "You all remember the chat room that we started two weeks ago?" The Death Eaters nodded, exchanging looks of consternation. They hoped this wasn't more to do with the Yahoo! group idea. Wormtail had almost had a nervous breakdown trying to sign up, and none of the others were eager to repeat the experience.

They were in luck, however, for Voldemort continued, "Being the brilliant wizard that I am, I thought that if we had started our own chat room, the Order must have one too! And just now, I-" Bellatrix coughed none-too-subtly in the background. "-and Bella-"

"Thank you."

"-managed to hack into the Order chat room. Follow me, my faithful followers!" he cried, leading the way into the computer lab. The Death Eaters crowded around Voldemort's computer, as the Dark Lord clicked his way past a number of pop-up windows.

"No, I don't want a new career, I like being evil and torturing muggles perfectly well already, no I don't care about insurance rates in London, yes, I like my home, I don't need a new one, thank you... Aha!"

The words "You have entered room TheOrderOfThePhoenixTotallyRocks" flashed across the screen.

"Original," muttered Snape.

**WerewolvesRule:** Hello?

**SuperAurorTonks: **Who just signed in?

"Hmph," snapped Voldemort. "Like I'd really tell you, you pathetic excuse for an Auror."

**WerewolvesRule:** ...

**WerewolvesRule: **Well, never mind then, since they're obviously not speaking up.

**SuperAurorTonks**: Hey, I got Merlin!

**FangedEarring222**: Excellent.

"Merlin? Who's Merlin?" asked Draco in confusion.

"They must be talking in code. 'Merlin' probably refers to some sort of person or secret weapon that they've acquired!" said Voldemort excitedly. "Only, obviously, they can't say it straight out for fear of being spied on."

"Like we're doing, you mean?"

"Quiet!" Voldemort gesticulated frantically. Never mind that the people in the chat weren't actually speaking out loud so a little background noise wouldn't have made that much of a difference.

**FangedEarring222:** I got Ptolemy.

**SuperAurorTonks:** Swap you.

**FangedEarring222: ** Sure.

"And now, this Tonks person is going to trade it in for some other secret weapon!" Voldemort hissed into the silence.

**FangedEarring222:** I need a Ptolemy...

**SuperAurorTonks:** I'll give you the next one I get.

**Norbert'sMummy:** I got Dumbledore.

"Wait..." said Rodolphus slowly. "Dumbledore's dead..."

"Maybe they have resurrected Dumbledore and brought him back to life!" shouted Voldemort, eyes glued to the screen.

**SuperAurorTonks:** Oh, trade you for a Merlin. Harry's collecting those – I'll give them to him next time I see him. Anyone have a Morgan Le Fay?

**FangedEarring222:** I've got about a dozen of them. I'll give you them for free...

"Morgan Le Fay? What could that possibly stand for?" Voldemort muttered. "Something dangerous, no doubt, something the Order has a lot of. What could it be? Stink pellets? Dungbombs? Grenades?"

The doorbell rang. "Get it, Rodolphus," Voldemort muttered, not taking his eyes off the computer screen. Grumbling something about slave labor and repression and not being a house-elf, Rodolphus complied and returned, two seconds later, with Peter.

"Sorry I'm late," Peter panted. "Traffic. What's going on?"

"Hush!" snapped Bella. "We're spying on the private chat room of the Order of the Phoenix!"

"They're talking in code to confuse us!" Voldemort declared dramatically.

"Oh," said Wormtail, as new words flashed across the screen.

**WerewolvesRule:** Morgan Le Fay? Really? I don't have any. Swap you for an Agrippa. I've got about twelve of those.

**FangedEarring222:** Done!

"Um... Master?" Wormtail said slowly. "I don't think they're talking in code."

"Oh really?" said Bella coolly. "Then just what _are_ they doing?"

"I think," said Wormtail, "they're having their weekly cyber chocolate frog card trading meeting. It is Saturday after all."

* * *

Back at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, Tonks, munching on a large chocolate frog, was very startled to see the following flash across her screen: 

**EvilestWizardOfThemAll:** DAMN IT!

_**EvilestWizardOfThemAll** has left the chat._

For a moment she wondered if she should ask old Mad-Eye about getting better security, but then she shrugged. Probably just some stupid teenaged hacker with psychological problems again. She unwrapped a new chocolate frog.

**SuperAurorTonks:** ...Hey, anyone want a Calypso?

* * *

Ok, I apologize. That was awful. The next one will be better, I promise. Of course, it might be even better if you take a little time to drop a review... :-) 


	4. In which the Death Eaters discover why i

**Disclaimer:** If I owned anything, this wouldn't be called FANfiction...

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**In which the Death Eaters discover why it's a bad idea to trust anonymous packages that come in the mail...**

Seven o'clock.

Snape sighed. Time for yet another Death Eater meeting. Voldemort had been calling these blasted meetings almost daily lately, but none of them seemed to amount to much. Perhaps, as the rest of the wizarding world was starting to think (and as Snape had been thinking for the last 16 years) the Dark Lord was losing his touch.

Ah well, no time to ponder that now. Grabbing his wand, Snape Apparated to the Riddle mansion. Finding the door unlocked (really, it was surprising that no one had discovered Death Eater headquarters yet, considering the security Voldemort invested on the place), Snape swept into the house to find... no one.

Or no one in the parlor, anyway. Hearing the sound of conversation emanating from the kitchen, Snape correctly assumed that that was where all the Death Eaters were gathered. He entered to find the rest of the Death Eaters seated around the table, munching on a large plate of chocolate chip cookies in the center.

"What's going on?" Snape muttered to Dolohov, taking a seat.

Dolohov shrugged. "Dunno, but they're delicious. Try one."

Snape cautiously nibbled a cookie as he waited for the rest of the Death Eaters (Peter) to arrive.

It didn't take long. Peter spotted the plate of cookies and immediately made for it, snarfing down cookies in a manner highly reminiscent of a starved rat snarfing cheese. "Mmph, Voldie, these are good," he said, after practically inhaling half the plateful. "Where'd you get them?"

Voldemort twitched unpleasantly at being called 'Voldie' but didn't comment on it – which, for him, was probably a first. "I don't really know," he confessed.

"What?" Peter asked, stopping with a cookie midway from the plate to his mouth.

"They came in the mail anonymously."

"And you're giving them to us for snacks?" Draco asked incredulously, throwing his half-eaten cookie back onto the plate. "Couldn't that be dangerous?"

"Well," said Voldemort defensively, "if anyone wanted to harm us, they wouldn't be sending cookies, would they? I suspect they're from my fan club – probably anonymous because whoever sent them in was too shy to sign..."

Snape snorted at the unlikelihood of this, but didn't say anything.

"Anyway," Voldemort continued. "I did not call you here today to talk to you about cookies, or to watch you stuffing your fat faces." Peter looked up guiltily. "No, as a matter of fact, you are here because I have decided that we are going to infiltrate the Order chat room again."

"Again?" asked a dozen people at once.

"Don't you think you're getting a bit obsessed with this chat thing?" asked Rodolphus.

"Obsessed? I am NOT obsessed."

"Oh, like you're not obsessed with Potter?" someone muttered near the back of the room.

"That is totally different! That boy has been a thorn in my side since the day I met him! He's an insufferable good-for-nothing brat who dared to insult me! ME! The evil Lord Voldemort! And, to top it all, he JUST WON'T DIE! That boy is so..."

"Yes, I think it's definitely safe to say that Voldemort is a bit OCD," Snape muttered, as Voldemort continued to rant.

"Oh, like you can talk, Mr. I'll-kill-those-blasted-Marauders-or-die-trying!" Bella huffed, quick to take offense at any perceived insult to her Lord.

"They turned my hair pink in fourth year," Snape retorted defensively. "I couldn't get the dye out for weeks. I'm entitled!"

Voldemort had, by then, finished his Potter rant. "Where was I? Ah, yes. The chat room. This time, I have thought up a fail-safe plan. We will not depend on the Order to divulge its secrets on its own. We will have to pretend to be Order members ourselves, to convince them to reveal their secret plans! Unfortunately, it will look suspicious if too many of us go... Therefore, I shall bring Snape-"

"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!" Draco exclaimed.

"-Bella-"

"-Pick me!"

"-Rodolphus-"

"Me!"

"-and Wormtail."

"Nuts."

"Now, Snape," said Voldemort, as he led his trustiest Death Eaters (and Peter) to the computer labs, "you will go in first - as yourself. Then, when you've convinced them that you're trustworthy, we'll come in, pretending to be other Order members, and help you interrogate them as to what they're planning."

Snape snorted. _Convince them you're trustworthy. Right. Might as well stand on my head and sing the national anthem for all the good that would do._ Still, you didn't argue with the Dark Lord. At least, you didn't if you were fond of your life. Snape wasn't, particularly, but he had no intention of losing it quite this soon. So he keyed in a screen name and fatalistically pressed the little gray button.

_You have entered room TheOrderOfThePhoenixTotallyRocks._

**Norbert'sMummy:** ...an' then they made me their chief...

**SuperAurorTonks:** Hi.

**Norbert'sMummy:** Who're you?

**FormerPotionsMaster:** I would think that that would be obvious. Then again, seeing as how most of the Order are utter imbeciles when it comes to logic, perhaps not.

**SuperAurorTonks:** Slughorn?

**FormerPotionsMaster:** No, fool!

**WerewolvesRule:** Snape, stop insulting Tonks, and tell me what on earth you're doing here.

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Didn't Auriga tell you? I'm actually not evil. Well, maybe she was too busy polishing her collection of coffee mugs...

**WerewolvesRule:** And why, precisely, should I believe you?

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Because everything I did was on Dumbledore's orders.

_Oh, brilliant,_ thought Snape disgustedly. _They'll never possibly believe that_.

**SuperAurorTonks: **Okay, we believe you. Welcome back, Snape!

"Excellent!" said Voldemort, clapping his hands together, as Snape stared at the screen in disbelief. "Everyone else, pick an Order member to impersonate and log in!"

_**MadOldAuror, MuggleLovingFool**, **CuteWiddleKitty**, and **Padfoot202** have entered the room._

**SuperAurorTonks:** Hey, I don't recognize your user names. Who are you?

**MuggleLovingFool: **I'm Arthur Weasley.

**CuteWiddleKitty:** I'm Minerva McGonagall.

**SuperAurorTonks:** Don't you usually go by the name "GoddessOfWisdom"?

"Right," Bella muttered. "I knew that."

_**CuteWiddleKitty** has changed name to **GoddessOfWisdom**._

**GoddessOfWisdom:** That better?

**SuperAurorTonks:** Um, sure, I suppose. Who are the other ones?

**MadOldAuror:** Mad-Eye here. CONSTANT VIGILENCE, by the way.

Voldemort snickered at his cleverness. They would never guess that he was an imposter now!

**Padfoot202:** And I'm Sirius Black!

**SuperAurorTonks: **You're WHO?

**Padfoot202:** Sirius Black! You know, escaped convict, mildly insane, used to own a flying motorbike...?

"Uh, Wormtail?" Rodolphus asked cautiously, looking over Peter's shoulder. "Sirius Black is... dead... remember?"

**Padfoot202: **Dang it!

_**Padfoot202** has changed name to **Dumbledore202**._

**Dumbledore202: **Heh heh, just kidding. I'm actually Dumbledore. Sherbert lemon, anyone?

"Uh, Wormtail?" Rodolphus repeated. "Dumbledore is dead too."

**Dumbledore202:** Dang it!

_**Dumbledore202** has changed name to **Moony202**._

**Moony202:** Um, just kidding. Again. I'm actually Remus.

**WerewolvesRule: **Hey, who's imitating me?

**Moony202: **DANG IT!

_**Moony202** has left the chat._

**WerewolvesRule: **Well, that certainly was bizarre.

**SuperAurorTonks: **No kidding.

Snape felt Voldemort's eyes on the back of his head and swallowed.

**FormerPotionsMaster: **Yes, yes, it was. Now, tell me, what has been going on in my absence?

**SuperAurorTonks:** Well, it's been rather quiet around here, actually, although Remus and I are getting married soon...

**FormerPotionsMaster:** ...

**SuperAurorTonks:** Don't congratulate us, or anything. And, let's see, what else? The Weasley twins have been around quite a lot, testing out their products on unsuspecting subjects. They've actually invented this fiendishly ingenious new type of cookie with a sort of general calling charm which is irresistible to squirrels, but they haven't quite gotten it to work properly yet, so there's a bit of a delay between ingestion of the cookie and when symptoms show. The other day Fred and George tricked Ginny into eating one of them – poor girl...

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Really, I am not interested in what those pathetic excuses for human beings are doing. What, precisely, has been going on in the Order?

**SuperAurorTonks:** ...Fortunately, we got the squirrels off, eventually. And Kingsley says that that gave him the idea for a really ingenious plan to rid the world of Death Eaters once and for all – maybe he's already implemented it, I don't know...

**FormerPotionsMaster: **Yes?

**SuperAurorTonks:** ...He's had a lot of time on his hands. The Auror office really hasn't been that busy, since old Moldy-Warts-

"Excuse me?" Voldemort said indignantly.

-hasn't really been causing many problems ...and Harry, Hermione, and Ron seem to have something up their sleeves, but no one can figure out what it is...

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Wait. What's this plan of Kingsley's?

**SuperAurorTonks:** ...and Hagrid's been trying to get a wife for his brother, Grawp, but Grawp's developed a taste for Blast-Ended Skrewts instead, which is causing Hagrid no end of grief...

**Norbert'sMummy:** Arr... he's eatin' 'em by the dozen, poor things.

**FormerPotionsMaster: ** Look, I don't care about Hagrid and his ridiculous problems. What is Kingsley's plan?

**SuperAurorTonks:** ...and, of course, then there's been a whole hubbub at the secretarial department of the Ministry. Do you know, the Weasley twins managed to blow up Dolores Umbrage's office a couple days ago? Despicable woman. I never liked her, ever since that time when she called me an empty-headed, chattering, ridiculous excuse for an Auror. I mean, honestly, who is SHE to talk?

**FormerPotionsMaster:** JUST TELL ME THE PLAN, ALREADY!

**SuperAurorTonks: **Well, really! No need to be rude.

**SuperAurorTonks: **I'm not quite sure about the details, but I think he was planning to...

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Yes?

**_TheBoyWhoLived_**, _**ChessMaster11**, and **RonsGirlFriend** have entered the chat room._

**SuperAurorTonks:** Harry! Ron! Hermione! What a pleasant surprise!

Snape swore. "I was this close - THIS CLOSE – but nooooooo, Potter and his gang have to ruin it, like they always do!" Then he paused. "Wait, whose side am I on, anyway?"

**RonsGirlfriend:** RONALD!

**TheBoyWhoLived:** Ron, subtlety really isn't your strong suit.

**ChessMaster11:** Hey, at least you're not The Chosen One anymore! That counts for something, right?

**RonsGirlfriend:** Honestly, you didn't even use proper punctuation. "Ron's" should have an apostrophe.

**ChessMaster11: **Sor-_ry_ if I don't meet your standards, O Queen of all things grammatical.

**RonsGirlfriend: ** Never mind, never mind... just... get me a new user name _now!_

**ChessMaster11:** Or what?

**RonsGirlfriend:** Or I'll dump you!

**ChessMaster11: ** Oh. Um. Yes. Right away, then.

_**RonsGirlFriend** has changed name to **GrammarQueen922.**_

**GrammarQueen922:** Thank you.

**TheBoyWhoLived:** I don't suppose I could get you to change my user name by threatening to dump you, too...?

**GrammarQueen922:** Sorry, Harry. Girlfriend's privilege.

**TheBoyWhoLived:** Sigh.

**SuperAurorTonks:** So, Harry, Ron, Hermione – what have you been up to these last couple of weeks?

_**ChessMaster11** looks around shiftily._

**ChessMaster11: **Well... um... We've been around, I guess you could say. We've been... um...

**GrammarQueen922:** Researching.

**ChessMaster11: **Researching?

_**GrammarQueen922 **glares significantly in Ron's direction._

**ChessMaster11:** Um, I mean, yes, researching, right.

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Researching? Really, Weasley, I did not believe you capable of such a thing. If your current performance in my classes is any indication, I would say that you had never bothered to open a book in your life.

**ChessMaster11:** You're not a teacher any longer, so I'm not in your classes anymore!

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Damn.

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Wait...

**FormerPotionsMaster:** YES!

The Death Eaters exchanged glances as sounds of jubilant whooping came from Snape's corner of the room. As if by mutual consent, everyone studiously pretended to ignore him.

**TheBoyWhoLived**: Was that Snape? What is _he_ doing here?

**SuperAurorTonks:** He claims that he's not really evil.

**TheBoyWhoLived:** Riiiiiight. And I'm a little dragon named Fluffy.

**Norbert'sMummy:** Yeh are?

**TheBoyWhoLived: ** Er, no... it's just an expression, Hagrid.

**WerewolvesRule:** Harry, what are _you_ doing here? This is the private chat room for the Order.

**TheBoyWhoLived:** Well, Ron had the idea to hack into the Order chat room, sort of like we did with the Death Eaters'. It took us a little longer, though, because your name wasn't as obvious as theirs.

"Hmph," Voldemort snapped. "I resent that. What is so obvious about the name 'Death Eaters Are Us', anyway?"

**MadOldAuror:** Well, Potter, it's been wonderful to see you and anything, but get out now and leave us alone!

**WerewolvesRule:** Don't you think that's a little harsh? I mean, they are of age, and they did figure out how to get in here...

**TheBoyWhoLived:** Yes, we did.

**MadOldAuror: **SHUT UP, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BRAT!

**MadOldAuror:** Oops, did I say that out loud? I meant, be quiet, Potter.

**GoddessOfWisdom:** Yes, Potter, leave, and take your ridiculous little friends too!

**ChessMaster11:** Ridiculous, are we?

**GrammarQueen922:** Professor McGonagall, are you okay? You seem very out of character.

**TheBoyWhoLived: **Yes, and you too, Moody. You haven't yelled "CONSTANT VIGILENCE!" once since we got here.

"Damn it!" Voldemort yelled. "Trust him to notice insignificant little details!"

_**TheREALGoddessOfWisdom** has entered the chat room._

**TheREALGoddessOfWisdom: **RIGHT! FESS UP! WHO STOLE MY SCREEN NAME? I couldn't log in as myself because apparently there was someone else already logged in as me!

**GoddessOfWisdom:** Dang it.

_**GoddessOfWisdom** has left the chat. _

**SuperAurorTonks:** Well, I never saw that coming!

**TheREALGoddessOfWisdom: ** I think, my friends, that we have been infiltrated by Death Eaters! I've alerted Alastor Moody, who will be joining us shortly.

**MadOldAuror:** I am Alastor Moody!

**TheREALGoddessOfWisdom:** Don't think you're fooling me. You haven't shouted "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" once since I entered the chat.

"That insolent woman!" Voldemort seethed.

_**Moderator MadEyeMoody **has entered the chat._

**Moderator MadEyeMoody:** CONSTANT VIGILENCE!

**TheREALGoddessOfWisdom:** Much better.

**Moderator MadEyeMoody:** Now, who's been impersonating me? Come on! Speak up! I'm not blind, you know!

**MadOldAuror:** Hmph! Well then, if you really want to know, it was I, Lord Voldemort! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

**MadOldAuror:** Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

**MadOldAuror:** Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

_**Moderator MadEyeMoody** has banned **MadOldAuror** from the chat._

"GAH!" shouted Voldemort.

**Moderator MadEyeMoody:** Now, who else in here is a Death Eater? Come on! Speak up! CONSTANT VIGILENCE!

Snape wisely kept silent. Unfortunately-

**TheBoyWhoLived:** Snape is.

"Bloody Potter."

**FormerPotionsMaster:** I am not! I am on the side of the Light! Sometimes, anyway.

**Moderator MadEyeMoody:** Hmph. I don't trust that one. Out you go.

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Wait a second, you have no right to

_You have been banned from room TheOrderOfThePhoenixTotallyRocks._

"Hmph," Snape muttered disgustedly. "Well, that was a total waste of time."

"No kidding," said Rodolphus disgustedly, as he, too, was banned from the chat by the real Mad-Eye.

"And we don't even know what they're planning to do to us!" Peter said sadly.

"Well, we'll probably find out soon enough," said Snape darkly. He was not wrong.

* * *

The next morning, Snape was taking out the trash, when he spotted something slightly odd. A squirrel was sitting, motionless, on a branch above him, eyeing him beadily. 

This struck a chord in Snape's memory. Something that Tonks woman had mentioned... squirrels... Weasley twins... time-delay cookies...

The squirrel was joined by two more squirrels, which also began to gaze fixedly at Snape. Snape was starting to feel slightly unnerved. He turned, intending to make a speedy retreat to the house, but found his way blocked by a dozen more squirrels. Suddenly, what he had formerly thought of as harmless furry creatures appeared rather menacing. Snape couldn't help noticing a bit of a demonic glint in their eyes, and how their teeth looked a lot more dangerous and pointy up close...

"Nice squirrels," Snape muttered. "Nice squirrels, nice squirrels. No, BAD squirrels, VERY BAD SQUIRRELS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

Wow, sorry it's so long. I had a tremendous amount of fun with this chapter. My apologies if Snape is a bit out of character. Blame it on the squirrels. 

Remember, the little blue button is your friend :)


	5. In which Snape discovers that there are

**In which Snape discovers that there are some people just not worth saving**

The Great Squirrel Incident, as it came to be called, was not soon forgotten at Death Eater headquarters. For the next few days, the Death Eaters either limped around headquarters cursing the first unlucky person who came into view (Bellatrix), huddled under the nearest table muttering "Bad squirrels! Evil squirrels! I don't have any nuts!" (Dolohov), built squirrel-proof houses to protect their Sims (Draco), or strode around a cauldron brewing pain-relievers and muttering epithets (Snape).

In fact, it seemed that the only one totally unaffected by the incident was Voldemort himself, and this was simply owing to the fact that the Dark Lord hadn't been foolish enough to taste the cookies in the first place.

Wormtail, who had transformed at the first sight of trouble and had only suffered a few minor injuries, surprised the Death Eaters, himself included, by concocting a delicious batch of squirrel stew out of the Avada Kedavra-ed squirrels littering Headquarters. Snape was having none of it. Germophobe Hogwart's former potions master most certainly was not; however, he had his suspicions about where the rat's paws had been during the attack (the sewers, most likely), and despite the Dark Lord's supposed wisdom, Snape highly doubted that Voldemort had thought to make that silver hand antibacterial.

With the hubbub of the last week finally dying down, and his pain-relieving potions completed at last, Snape supposed that he had better get to work on helping Potter and his gang. He had promised the old fool, Dumbledore, after all.

Snape snuck a cautious glance toward the Dark Lord as he slowly opened the lid to his laptop. Voldemort was currently on the sofa... sleeping? Well, Dark Lords had to sleep sometimes, Snape mused. Plotting to conquer the world was rather taxing. And Voldy, hugging his enormous pet snake as though it were a favorite stuffed animal, almost looked... childlike. Kind of. Ish.

The thought was so disturbing that Snape almost dropped his computer in disgust. It took him a few moments to remember his initial intent. Potter. Yes. Right.

Dumbledore had provided Snape with a list of screen names before the old wizard had ascended to That Great Big Candyshop In The Sky. Hastily, Snape punched one of them in, hoping that Bellatrix wasn't tracking the messages that entered and exited the Death Eater stronghold through some obscure magic-technical ability as yet unknown to scientists.

**FormerPotionsMaster**: Potter Brat.

A few seconds later he received his reply.

**ScarHead:** Yeah, what?

**FormerPotionsMaster:** Show some respect for your superiors, boy. Not that I'd have expected any modicum of decency from a Potter.

**ScarHead:** SUPERIORS? HA!

**FormerPotionsMaster**: Temper, temper. Do _try_ not to become dependent on the capslock key. Of course, knowing you, such a feat may well be beyond your capacity to master.

**ScarHead**: If all you want to do is insult me, I'll block you. I don't have time to spare arguing with a MURDERER.

**FormerPotionsMaster**: Your statistics say you've been online for the last 72 hours. Clearly you are lacking in amusement if you've been online for the last three days.

**ScarHead**: Sod off. It's not my fault if life at the Dursleys' isn't exactly Disneyworld.

**FormerPotionsMaster**: You think you've had it difficult, Potter? You think you have it tough? My father never took us to amusement parks! I'm still trying to repair the squirrel teeth marks in my cloak! And now I'm stuck here at Death Eater Central listening to Voldemort snore and having to convince whiny ungrateful brats that I'm on the side of the light!

It was, Snape reflected bitterly, probably not the best idea to complain about your life's problems to a melodramatic, self-centered teenager and expect any semblance of sympathy. Especially not when the melodramatic, self-centered teenager was a Potter whose life you'd made hell for the past six years.

**ScarHead**: Ah, the squirrels bit you? WELL, I'M GLAD! SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR **_MURDERING_** (Snape wondered if it was possible to emphasize the word any further) THE HEADMASTER! AND THE DAY I'M CONVINCED THAT YOU'RE ON THE SIDE OF THE LIGHT IS THE DAY THAT PIGS SPONTANEOUSLY DECIDE TO GROW WINGS AND FLAP AROUND!

Harry paused and glanced out the window. He could almost have sworn – but no. A winged pig couldn't be circling Privet Drive. It was impossible.

(He would only later find out that Mundungus Fletcher had been making an impromptu visit to Mrs. Figg when he had accidentally collided with Dudley. One of the bottles of illegal substances Mundungus had been carrying, probably for use at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, had smashed, temporarily transforming Harry's cousin into a chubby porker with feathers, requiring a team of Ministry of Magic Obliviators to Apparate in on the spot. But that's not really relevant to the story.)

Snape, meanwhile, was glaring fixedly at the message emblazoned across the screen. He had suspected something like this would happen, however, so he hastily typed a new message before Potter could block him in a fit of idiotic rage.

**FormerPotionsMaster**: Very well, then. If you do not believe me, why not meet me in the park on Privet Drive on Saturday so I can show you where my true loyalties lie. And it would help if you brought Dumbledore's Pensieve.

**ScarHead**: Sure, fine, whatever. Hey, click this.

Snape clicked the hyperlink reflexively. There was a millisecond's pause in which his brain caught up with his finger and he wondered what the heck he was thinking. Then the words VIRUS ALERT flashed across his screen in massive red letters.

"DAMN that Potter BRAT!"

"What did you say, Severus?"

It looked as though his shouting had had the unfortunate effect of rousing Voldemort from his... er... pleasant slumber. Snape gulped as Nagini eyed him thoughtfully. He really should whip up a batch of antivenom sometime soon. "Um, nothing, My Lord."

"It had better not be," said Voldemort, resuming his station on the couch. "Now let me go back to sleep, or you'll discover why it's not a good idea to get on Nagini's bad side." Yup, definitely time to get some of that antivenom ready.

OoOoOoO

Saturday dawned clear and sunny. Snape would have preferred it overcast and dreary – more in the spirit of the occasion. At noon, he crept out of Headquarters and Apparated hastily onto Privet Drive, hoping that none of the other Death Eaters were brave enough to venture outdoors yet and notice his disappearance.

He arrived at the park at two 'o clock sharp. Potter was nowhere in sight. Cursing late students who didn't have the decency to show up on time, Snape sat down on the bench, preparing to wait.

There was a bang that sounded like a cacophony of fireworks.

Snape jumped upright, reached for his wand... and encountered only feathers. What the...? It took him a few moments to realize that the reason he was unable to locate his wand was because he was, in fact, a chicken. And he suspected he knew why, too. Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes _really_ had a lot to answer for! He would be certain to suggest an attack on that shop as soon as humanely possible. If he could get out of this ridiculous conundrum, of course.

Harry chose that moment to poke his head out from behind the bushes, stuck his tongue out, and wiggle his fingers tauntingly in his ears. Then he discovered that there were downsides to turning your former professor into a large chicken – namely, that large chickens had a penchant for becoming large, _angry_ chickens. Harry bolted for the door to number four and slammed it shut just in time. Snape, unprepared, slammed into the door and spent a few dazed minutes waddling around on Harry's doorstep.

Luckily for the older wizard, the spell soon wore off, and Snape reappeared with a pop, spitting feathers out of his mouth and spluttering.

"Potter!" he barked. Laughter from the window above his head. "POTTER!" More laughter. "CURSE YOU, POTTER!" Hysterical howls of laughter.

Snape snapped.

"Fine!" he snarled, kicking the door and earning only a few bruised toes in the process. "FINE! First squirrels, then viruses, now mutant chickens! I've had enough! Forget that mad old candy-obsessed fool! I quit!"

It was about that time that Snape made up his mind to support the Dark Side after all. Screw Potter, anyway.

OoOoOoO

Sorry for the long wait! Thanks so much for all the feedback! Hope this chapter is up to snuff - it took awhile to get back into the swing of things... And I'm not quite sure why, but the horizontal rules aren't working either...

Remember, you like the little blue button. Yes, you do.


	6. In which Harry gets some birthday surpri

Disclaimer: Any character you recognize belongs to JK Rowling. The cake and squirrels, however, are my property. :)

OoOoOoO

**In which Harry gets some birthday surprises**

"Gather round, my faithful followers," Voldemort said, beckoning his Death Eaters forward. "I have an important announcement to make. Not," he added, for the purposes of clarification, "that any of my announcements are _unimportant_, seeing as how I _am_ your ruler and also happen to be the most evil wizard on the face of the planet!" He smirked evilly. "Ah, power! Mwa ha ha ha ha! MWA HA HA HA HA!"

The Death Eaters waited with varying degrees of patience for Voldemort's cackles of laughter to subside.

"Ahem," said Voldemort, after fifteen minutes (and a few calming sips of vodka) had elapsed. "As I was saying. I have a very important announcement to make to all of you. You see, tomorrow-"

He was interrupted, however, by Draco, who chose that moment to let out an excited scream.

"Yes!" the blond ferret shouted. "My new Sims Wizarding World expansion pack has arrived!"

He blinked as he realized all eyes in the room were on him, including Mr. Evil-Is-My-Middle-Name. "Um, sorry. Carry on."

Voldemort made a mental note to move Draco's name up a slot on his To Kill list before plowing forward. "As I was saying before I was _so rudely interrupted,_ tomorrow is a _Very Special Day_. You see, tomorrow is... Potter's seventeenth birthday!"

There was a few moments' dead silence as all the Death Eaters nodded sagely, trying to look as though they understood where Voldemort was going with this when in reality they hadn't a clue.

"Well?" said Voldemort. "Any ideas? Speak up, my followers. Wormtail, what do you think?"

"Um," Wormtail said, cringing slightly at being asked to speak. "We make him gift baskets, My Lord?"

"Gift baskets!" Voldemort sounded outraged. "Don't be ridiculous, Wormtail! Gift baskets? Have you no taste? Gift baskets went out of style ages ago."

"Not true," pouted Draco from his station at the computer screen. "My parents sent me gift baskets at school all the time."

Voldemort ignored this statement. "It simply won't do, Wormtail. Other ideas?"

"Er..." Wormtail seemed to be grasping at straws now. "Well, um, how about a layer cake?"

"Perfect! A much better idea! You're brilliant, Wormtail!"

All the Death Eaters (sans Draco, whose concentration was currently on his Sims, which he was trying to dress in flimsy Veela outfits) dropped their jaws in shock.

"I- I am?" Wormtail asked, nonplussed. "Oh... er..."

"With whipped cream and green icing in the shape of a Dark Mark." Voldemort nodded briskly. "Excellent, Wormtail!

"And then of course," he added, oblivious to the shocked expressions on his minions' faces, "the time bomb can go at the center of the cake. Harry's ridiculous blood magic no longer protects him now, so he will go up in a puff of smoke, and then, my followers, my power will reign supreme! Mwa ha ha ha ha!"

The Death Eaters' jaws closed again in relief – all except for Draco's, which had fallen open. Those Veela outfits were really revealing!

"So," Voldemort continued. "Wormtail, you shall bake the cake. Bella-"

"I can supply the icing!" Bellatrix gushed sycophantically, seeming to want to get back into Voldemort's good graces again. "I think the words 'Die, Potter, Die' in red icing will add a nice touch, don't' you?"

"Perfect!" Voldemort said, clapping his hands together. "And Snape, you can do the sprinkles." With that, Voldemort swept out of the room, humming something that sounded suspiciously like "Weasley is our King."

Snape turned to Rodolphus in horror. "_Sprinkles_?"

OoOoOoO

"Everyone in position?" Voldemort called, in a voice that was much too chipper for 2 AM on a Sunday morning. The dew-drenched Death Eaters huddled in the bushes at Number Four, shivering and giving each other pathetic looks.

"Now," Voldemort said, not waiting for a reply. "I've got it all worked out. Wormtail is, right now, delivering the cake to Harry's front doorstep. When Harry gets the mail, he will instead discover the cake-"

"How do you know Potter will be the one to get the mail?" Snape grumbled, wiping some stray sprinkles off his cloak. Potions master he may have been, but sprinkles were definitely not his specialty.

"Potter will get the mail," said Voldemort cheerfully, "because he is an exploited and overworked brat whose relatives despise him."

Snape felt twinge of satisfaction at this statement, followed by a twinge of what might have been either guilt. He pinned it on not having eaten enough for dinner and pushed it aside.

"He will discover the cake," Voldemort continued, "and bring it inside. Our location in the bushes gives us an excellent view of the kitchen. At the moment when he starts slicing the cake, the trigger will be pressed, and – BOOM! Potter will go up in flames."

Snape nodded slowly. It just might work. He wouldn't pretend to be sorry about Potter's demise; quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.

Wormtail returned from placing the cake in front of the doorstep, panting, but grinning ear-to-ear. "I have succeeded, My Lord!"

"Excellent, Wormtail!" Voldemort said jovially, patting him on the back.

The Death Eaters sat down to wait. 3 AM... no sign of Potter. 4 AM... still no sign of Potter. 5 AM... nothing...

At 7 sharp, there was a thump, and the pounding of feet on the stairs.

"Aha!" Voldemort shouted, waking the twenty Death Eaters huddled in the bushes (and half the neighborhood as well, from the sound of it). The footsteps on the stairs paused momentarily before continuing at a slightly slower pace. "Trigger in position?" Voldemort asked, toning his voice down slightly.

Snape blinked. "Wait..." he said slowly. "Where exactly _is_ the trigger?"

"Wormtail has it."

"You actually trusted Wormtail with the trigger?" Snape demanded, voice rising.

"Well, he seemed very enthusiastic." Voldemort shrugged.

Snape buried his face in his hands, rolled his eyes toward the heavens, and started toward Peter, who was bouncing up and down with excitement. If Potter was going to be blown up, he might as well be blown up properly, Snape thought. "Maybe I'd better help you with that..." he started, reaching for the black box in Wormtail's hand.

"It's fine!" Peter said gleefully. "It's all right, Snape, really - I've got it all under contro-"

As he leaned away from Snape, Wormtail's thumb _accidentally_ hit the red button. The confectionary masterpiece went up gracefully in a cloud of green icing and booger-colored sprinkles.

"Oops."

The door to Number Four opened, and a tousled head poked out. "Huh?" Potter said sleepily, staring confusedly at what had former been a beautiful layer cake. "I wonder what... oh well. Darn kids." He sighed, shook his head, and closed the door.

In the pause that followed, everyone's face turned accusingly to Wormtail.

"...it was an accident?" the rat squeaked, cringing slightly.

There was a silence as the Death Eaters looked expectantly at Voldemort. It was hard to read the Dark Lord's expression. Wormtail cringed again.

"Hmm..." said Voldemort finally. "I was trying to see a way around it, but I can think of nothing else.

"It seems," he concluded heavily, "that we must try some of those gift baskets of yours after all, Wormtail."

It was about that time that Snape started to wonder: just why was he serving Voldemort, again?

OoOoOoO

Please review! Even if it's only one line or so, you have no idea how much it brightens my day!


	7. In which the Death Eaters start an onlin

Disclaimer: JK Rowling is the master. I just steal her characters and make them do OOC things.

**In which the Death Eaters start an online bookstore**

"I have," said Voldemort impressively, "come up with a plan."

This statement didn't elicit quite the response he was expecting. Most of the Death Eaters were currently absorbed in a game of Dark Poker and didn't even look up at his announcement. Bella did, it was true, but only to give him a sulky sort of look before turning back to her cards again. She was clearly still fuming from their discussion the previous day, when Voldemort had turned down her plan to save the Death Eaters from financial ruin. _W_

_Well, this will never do,_ thought Voldemort, striding over to the table and calmly ending the game by sweeping away everyone's poker chips with a flourish.

"Now," he said calmly. "If I may have everyone's undivided attention?" He did. "I have recently heard concern expressed over lack of... shall we say... funds... for this venture. Those new Death Eater Masks and monogrammed robes weren't cheap, you know. Luckily, I have thought up a way to pay all of our expenses, now, and for the foreseeable future. I propose that we start an online store on E-bay and sell Dark textbooks. Elementary Evil and Conquering for Dummies: How to Rule the World in 5 Easy Steps by V.D. Mort should become best-sellers in no time. Not only will we make a profit, but we can convert innocent readers to our evil mindset!"

"Excuse me!" Throughout most of Voldemort's speech, Bellatrix had looked as though she was bursting to protest. Now she jumped upright and glared at Voldemort accusingly. "That was _my_ idea."

"One of the perks to being the evilest Dark Lord ever to walk this Earth," Voldemort said smugly, "is that I am perfectly justified in stealing the ideas of my followers. There is no such word as 'plagiarism' in my dictionary. For more information, read my published works." He strode impressively 'round the table. "So, Death Eaters, are you agreed that this is the way to power?"

Snape sighed and put his face in his hands. "Dear God, not this again," he muttered to Dolohov, who was taking large sips of vodka and surreptitiously memorizing the card deck while no one was watching. "Next thing you know, we'll be trying to hack into the Hogwarts Staff Chat or who knows what lunacy..."

"The what?" Dolohov asked slightly more loudly than Snape would have liked.

"Keep your voice down," Snape hissed. "The Staff chat room at Hogwarts-"

"The Hogwarts Staff have their own chat room?" Dolohov blared tipsily, this time loud enough to interrupt Voldemort in the middle of his tirade.

"_Crucio_," Voldemort said calmly, and the hall erupted in Dolohov's screams. "Now, what's this about a private chat room at Hogwarts?" he asked Snape, after the noise had died down again. "Why have I not heard of this?" The Death Eaters watched the pair with interest. Even Draco looked up, before realizing with consternation that one of his Sims had wet himself.

Snape bit back a groan and plastered a look of chagrin on his face. "It's... nothing, Master. The staff rarely uses it, and... well." He sneered. "They say nothing of interest, nothing relevant to our cause."

"If they say nothing of interest, then why did you bother to mention it?" Dolohov demanded.

"_Crucio_!" Voldemort shouted at the hapless Death Eater. He turned back to Snape. "If they say nothing of interest, Severus, then why did you even bother to mention it?"

Snape cursed a certain drunk Death Eater under his breath as he tried to formulate a suitably obsequious response. "I never dreamed that Dolohov would shout so loudly and interrupt my Master's enthralling oratory. I merely thought-"

"You thought? Ha! That's a good one!" Dolohov chortled, swaying slightly.

"_Crucio_!"

"-that Dolohov might find such a tidbit amusing," Snape concluded, shooting Dolohov a _Look_.

"Well, _I_ don't," snapped Voldemort, considerable vexation lacing his voice now. "If such a chat contains no information, than it is worthless to me. Now, if there are no more interruptions?"

Dolohov hiccupped.

"_Crucio_!"

"Isn't that a bit unfair?" Rodolphus protested.

"_Crucio_!" cried Voldemort, pointing his wand at Rodolphus.

"Do not question our Master!" Bella said reprovingly to her husband.

"So much for marital affection," muttered Rodolphus, standing up and brushing himself off with a slightly hurt look.

"If I may speak?" Voldemort demanded, his tone ascending past the territory of Very Peeved and into the region of Will Start Avada Kedavra-ing The First Person In Sight.

Dolohov almost hiccupped again. Hastily, Snape clapped a hand over the errant Death Eater's mouth and _silencio_-ed him.

Voldemort smiled. "To get back on topic," he said lazily. "Bella, since you happen to be the Death Eater with the most computer expertise, barring Draco, who would probably try to buy Sims expansion packs off of E-Bay rather than sell anything-" (no one argued with this) "-I propose that you set up the account. List as many books online as you can." Bella set to work with enthusiasm, seeming to have forgotten their earlier spat.

"Peter, you can put the books in boxes." Wormtail squeaked, bowed, and went to look for some. "Rodolphus, for your earlier offense, I will delegate you to wrapping the books in bubble-wrap. Without magic." Rodolphus gulped and hurried after Wormtail.

"And I, My Lord?" Snape asked deferentially.

"You can make me a Headache Potion for when this business eventually gives me one," Voldemort snapped. "And as for Dolohov-"

Dolohov squirmed.

"_Crucio_!"

"He didn't say anything, Master," Snape pointed out reasonably.

"I know that!" spat Voldemort. "But he would have if you hadn't _silencio_-ed him, and that's the main thing."

Snape resolved for the four hundred and fiftieth time never to get on Voldemort's bad side as Voldemort turned back to Dolohov with a mad and slightly homicidal glint in his crimson eyes. "_You_ can handle the tape."

OoOoOoO

A productive three hours later, Snape made his way up the basement steps to the main room of the house. He stopped dead on the threshold, staring in horror at the chaos within.

It was, well, chaotic (as chaos tends to be). Bubblewrap littered the floor; some was plastered to the ceiling. Cardboard dust floated everywhere. Dolohov looked as though he had wrapped himself in tape rather than the book he was trying to package.

Bella yelled from the front of the room, "They're selling like mad, Master! We need 84 copies, now!"

"Yes, yes," said Voldemort, rubbing his head. His face brightened upon spotting Snape. "Ah, the headache cure. Excellent." He took a sip of the drink before noticing Dolohov, struggling feebly and pathetically against the tape which had ensnared him. "No, no, no, you imbecile! Let me show you how to do it!"

Voldemort grabbed a roll of Duct tape and promptly got his hand stuck in it. "Curse it!" he shrieked, pulling out his wand and jabbing it angrily in the general vicinity of the tape. "_Reducto! REDUCTO!"_

His spells went wide, missing the tape by about three feet. Snape ducked. Bella dodged. The spells ricocheted off the charm-resistant walls. And the table, the computer, and various pieces of paper went up in a cloud of dust.

There was silence for a moment. Panting, Voldemort finally managed to extricate himself from the tape. "What did we lose?"

"The computer," said Snape, quite unnecessarily.

"Well, go get another one!" Voldemort cried.

"We also lost the transaction records," Bella said apologetically. "And the password to get into the site."

"You're sure?" Voldemort demanded.

"'Fraid so," said Rodolphus.

Voldemort looked disgruntled for a moment. Suddenly, however, his face brightened. "True, this has been a disaster," Voldemort began. "But we must not despair! As a matter of fact, I have just thought of a new plan to save us from financial ruin!"

_Uh-oh_, thought Snape. _Here we go again_.

"We shall sell Girl Scout cookies!"

It was about that time that Snape lost faith in the human race.

OoOoOoO

Hmm... upon editing this chapter, it dawned on me that I have no idea if such a thing as Girl Scout cookies (or an alternative) exist in Britain. Anyone know?

Reviews are lovely. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Favorite quotes are good. Nitpicky comments are still good. Flames are not so good, but I'll read them. Did I miss anything...?


	8. In which Draco sees something frightenin

Disclaimer: I own nothing... all the characters are the property of JK Rowling. Also, a big thanks to Dumbledoresgirl1 for the idea of the Girl Scout badges!

**In which Draco sees something frightening**

After much persuasion, Snape and Bella had finally managed to convince Lord Voldemort that wandering from door to door in capes with badges that said things like "Killed Albus Dumbledore" and "Tortured 20 Muggles" would not be the best idea, practically speaking. As Dolohov had put so eloquently (before Voldemort had the chance to hex him silent again) "We'd all look like nincompoops." Draco had been happy then, because it meant that he would not have to abandon his Sims for however many hours selling cookies would have taken.

Now, however, Draco was depressed. In spite of all his hard work, a Sim of his (incidentally the one labeled 'Draco') had died. He wondered if this was some sort of omen and scowled angrily. The Dark Lord already thought of him as useless. He did not even have a false name. And he was now second on the Dark Lord's To Be Killed list. The future wasn't looking too great at the moment for poor Draco Malfoy.

As he wallowed in self-pity, his mind wandered back to the conversation of the previous day. A lightbulb clicked in his head. He could prove himself to the Dark Lord and win his Master's affection! All he would have to do would be to hack into the Hogwarts Staff chat room, which Snape had so conveniently mentioned the previous day. The Hogwarts staff were sure to talk about ideas relevant to the cause, since it was common knowledge that the castle had won the Most Coveted By Voldemort of any Place in Britain award the other day. Draco chortled at his own brilliance and went to work.

It took Draco half an hour of searching to find the proper site and ten more minutes to close the surrounding pop-ups. Finally, he was in. Feeling elated, Draco typed in the first name that came into his head. With any luck, he wouldn't have to reveal his presence at all, so the name didn't matter.

The words "_Welcome to the HogStaffChat, the room whose occupants have the most alliterative names of any chat in Britain"_ flashed across the screen. Draco snickered.

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Who's there? Who just signed in?

Draco remained silent.

_**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall** shrugs_.

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Probably just some student hacker. You were saying, Poppy?

**PoppyPomfrey**: With Professor Sprout's assistance, I've developed a new burn cream that should be of some help during the war.

_Useful information! Yes!_ Draco cheered inwardly. He would have to tell the Dark Lord not to try to set fire to anyone's house anytime soon.

_**FiliusFlitwick** rolls his eyes._

**FiliusFlitwick**: You have creams for _everything_, Poppy.

**PoppyPomfrey**: Well, at least _I_ can see over the edge of my desk, thank you very much.

_**FiliusFlitwick** glares._

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Ahem. So, ah, Flitwick, how have your classes been going?

**FiliusFlitwick**: Quite well, thank you, Minerva. As a matter of fact, Vincent Crabbe has finally mastered the Levitation charm! Unfortunately, he seems to have a penchant for using it on other students instead of feathers.

_**SuperSeer** has entered the chat._

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Hmm. I shall make a note to put him in detention at the earliest opportunity.

**SuperSeer**: My dear Minerva, how have _your_ classes been lately?

**SuperSeer:** I must warn you, Minerva... as I was gazing into the orb just now, I beheld a dire tragedy befalling you. I hastened to the chat immediately, feeling it incumbent upon myself to warn you... My dear Minerva... on the seventeenth of September, you will be accosted by... Death!

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Really, Sybil... Am I to suppose a couple of mad-axe men will corner me in the hallway as well?

**SuperSeer**: You mock me!

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: That was the idea.

_**SuperSeer** has left the chat._

_**MadEye** has entered the chat._

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Mad-Eye? What are you doing here?

**MadEye**: I used to be a teacher here, and I thought I'd drop in, for old time's sake. You haven't been very good about changing the passwords over these last two years. Constant vigilance!

_**StarSeeker**, **WeaselsRCool**, and **BushyHairedWitch** have entered the room._

**StarSeeker**: My God. I think I'm going to faint. Ron has finally created a name that doesn't totally advertise my identity to the world. Bravo!

**BushyHairedWitch**: Ron! How could you? My hair's not that bad!

**WeaselsRCool**: Oh yeah?

**WeaselsRCool**: OW! Hermione! That was my foot!

**MadEye**: Constant vigilance!

**BushyHairedWitch**: Serves you right.

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Mr. Potter, Miss Granger, and Mr. Weasley. This is a staff-only chat.

**StarSeeker**: Blame Ron, Professor. It was his idea.

**WeaselsRCool**: Oh, so first you congratulate me for giving you a nice name, and now you blame me for everything. I see how it is!

**BushyHairedWitch**: Don't look at me. I'm not going to back you up.

_**WeaselsRCool** glares at everyone and stomps off in a huff._

**StarSeeker**: Honestly, Professor, we only wanted to see whether the rumors that this room existed were true.

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Well, they are. Now you'd better go; we've had one student hacker get into the chat already, and we don't need any more.

**StarSeeker**: All right, all right... we're going, we're going. I'd better check on Ron, anyway. Nice talking to you, Professor.

_**StarSeeker**, **WeaselsRCool**, and **BushyHairedWitch** have left the room._

**MadEye**: A hacker, you say, Minerva?

Draco cringed.

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Yes, I'm afraid so. Probably just some precocious student doing stupid things again. He hasn't said anything since he entered the room, so he's probably forgotten all about it.

A sigh of relief escaped Draco's lips.

**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall**: Whoops! I must fly. Class starts in five minutes.

**FiliusFlitwick**: Me too.

_**Moderator MinervaMcGonagall** and **FiliusFlitwick** have left the chat._

**PoppyPomfrey**: Ah, we're finally alone.

**MadEye**: Perfect.

**PoppyPomfrey**: I've missed you, you know.

**MadEye**: So have I, Poppy dearest. I wish I was at Hogwarts at this very moment.

Draco gagged.

**PoppyPomfrey**: I'd like nothing better than for you to get up here right now and snog me senseless.

**MadEye**: Well I'd like to

Draco covered his eyes. No. God, no. He fought vainly to get the disgusting mental images out of his head.

His curiosity wouldn't let him cower for long, however, and he soon peeked out through his fingers at the screen again. The two were still at it.

**MadEye**: Oh, my sweet poppyseed!

**PoppyPomfrey**: My honeymuffin!

Draco couldn't take it any more.

**TheBlondFerret**: **_EURGH!_**

**MadEye**: Who's there, eh? Speak up! Constant vigilance!

Quickly, Draco X-ed the chat window before the paranoid ex-Auror had a chance to block him, conveniently forgetting that McGonagall was the only one with blocking rights on this network. Only one thought permeated his brain as Draco logged off, and it reiterated repetitively as he stumbled off to the refrigerator to get a calming drink.

_I didn't need to see that. I REALLY didn't need to see that..._

OoOoOoO

Back at Headquarters, Mad-Eye was chuckling and applauding his own brilliance.

**MadEye**: Knew that would get rid of the pesky Death Eater in no time flat!

**PoppyPomfrey**: Your wisdom never fails to amaze me, Alastor.

_**PoppyPomfrey** wiggles her eyebrows suggestively._

**PoppyPomfrey**: So what _do_ you say about coming to Hogwarts for a visit in, say, ten minutes?

Moody laughed.

**MadEye**: I'll be right over...

OoOoOoO

Pince x Filch would probably have been more frightening, but Filch doesn't say "Constant Vigilance!"

Reviews are lovely, constructive criticism is much appreciated, favorite quotes are good, nitpicky comments are also appreciated, and flames are... not. You know the drill.


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